you learn a thing or two, from time to time

an elephant in the room via law h8r's photostream.

there's an elephant in the room. it's in the corner when i sleep and sitting next to me on the train when i head to the city. i see it drinking a beer at the bar and it joins us at dinner in our dining room when we eat at home. i even see it now from my desk. it's across the street, trying to climb the tree where the squirrels are. but it can't. it's too fat.

and no one else can see this elephant but me. or so i've come to realize.

losing my grandmother this summer, and watching my family suffer with that loss, has had a tremendous impact on me. which is to be expected, right? but the thing of it is, i'm ashamed of what's become of this. i've stopped eating well. i haven't been to the gym in months. we rarely cook dinner at home. our fridge is bare—and when we do go to the market, the stuff sits and rots before we ever think to eat it. to be totally candid, our produce drawers are full of mustard greens, arugula, and escolar that i bought the week we moved in to our new place. that was a month ago. and yet, when i do open the fridge, and the smell of something stale so blatantly hits my nose, i ignore it. i leave the spoiled foods where they've been untouched for weeks now in those drawers. and i'm not sure why.

fair haven, ny. where my grandmother left us and we
discovered the magic and simplicity of family and summer.

there was a point this summer when i wanted to just walk away from the business i'd started, feeling the pressure of running a one-man operation, that it was just too stupid of an idea to ever start to begin with. i'd imagine most people would come to that point when facing the loss of a family member, the excitement of an engagement, and the weight and pressure of the wedding planning that follows. which is why i didn't walk away from my business and instead am restructuring the way my business operates. if working alone is too tough, then hire somebody, right? if wedding planning is overwhelming, then take a step back and think about why you're even getting married to begin with—i keep on thinking over and over about the moment i bent on my knee. her face was beet red and she was laughing and crying and while i lost the ability to speak, i was so damn nervous, she kept asking what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing. over and over. and it just might be the happiest moment of my life. so planning a wedding? it's about remembering that moment, isn't it?

but the problem i'm having is that through all of this, the elephant is still there. i weigh more than fifteen pounds than i did before alicia and i left for california in june, when we got engaged. i'm at my highest weight of my life. i look awful. i've looked awful for a while now. and yet, i haven't found the courage to do anything about it. it's not that i'm sitting in a room with the lights off every night drowning in my sorrows—i've been there before. i know that feeling. this is different. most days, i'm numb to my emotions. after my grandmother's second service, which was in california, my grandfather's health started to deteriorate, too. he hasn't been able to eat much, and like her, he's been fighting cancer, too. but when she was alive, they had each other. how does one keep fighting after a loss like that? cancer doesn't let up. if you let your guard down just for a moment, it sneaks right in and doesn't relent. unfortunately, that's what he is now facing. so when i'm hungry or tired or overworked? when i'm vulnerable to my emotions and lose that numbness i carry with me every day? that's when i stop caring about what i'm eating or where it's from or how it was cooked. that's when i just eat. that's when things feel good.

and that's the total opposite of everything i've ever written about in this blog.

so there's this elephant, and i'm just not sure what to do about it. the answer is obvious. i know how to shake it. but that produce drawer is still stinking up our fridge, and i'm still sitting here ignoring it. maybe now that i've called the elephant out i'll step into the ring and take the thing on. but if it's that easy, then why'd it take me so long? why didn't i kick the elephant's butt before this?

though really, when it comes down to it, i'm getting married next summer. whether i like it or not, that elephant will grow wings before my bride to be allows any ol' elephant to sleep in our room at night. and that's maybe the sign of courage i need. like my grandparents were for each other, i've met that someone who won't let me back down.