you learn a thing or two, from time to time

an elephant in the room via law h8r's photostream.

there's an elephant in the room. it's in the corner when i sleep and sitting next to me on the train when i head to the city. i see it drinking a beer at the bar and it joins us at dinner in our dining room when we eat at home. i even see it now from my desk. it's across the street, trying to climb the tree where the squirrels are. but it can't. it's too fat.

and no one else can see this elephant but me. or so i've come to realize.

losing my grandmother this summer, and watching my family suffer with that loss, has had a tremendous impact on me. which is to be expected, right? but the thing of it is, i'm ashamed of what's become of this. i've stopped eating well. i haven't been to the gym in months. we rarely cook dinner at home. our fridge is bare—and when we do go to the market, the stuff sits and rots before we ever think to eat it. to be totally candid, our produce drawers are full of mustard greens, arugula, and escolar that i bought the week we moved in to our new place. that was a month ago. and yet, when i do open the fridge, and the smell of something stale so blatantly hits my nose, i ignore it. i leave the spoiled foods where they've been untouched for weeks now in those drawers. and i'm not sure why.

fair haven, ny. where my grandmother left us and we
discovered the magic and simplicity of family and summer.

there was a point this summer when i wanted to just walk away from the business i'd started, feeling the pressure of running a one-man operation, that it was just too stupid of an idea to ever start to begin with. i'd imagine most people would come to that point when facing the loss of a family member, the excitement of an engagement, and the weight and pressure of the wedding planning that follows. which is why i didn't walk away from my business and instead am restructuring the way my business operates. if working alone is too tough, then hire somebody, right? if wedding planning is overwhelming, then take a step back and think about why you're even getting married to begin with—i keep on thinking over and over about the moment i bent on my knee. her face was beet red and she was laughing and crying and while i lost the ability to speak, i was so damn nervous, she kept asking what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing. over and over. and it just might be the happiest moment of my life. so planning a wedding? it's about remembering that moment, isn't it?

but the problem i'm having is that through all of this, the elephant is still there. i weigh more than fifteen pounds than i did before alicia and i left for california in june, when we got engaged. i'm at my highest weight of my life. i look awful. i've looked awful for a while now. and yet, i haven't found the courage to do anything about it. it's not that i'm sitting in a room with the lights off every night drowning in my sorrows—i've been there before. i know that feeling. this is different. most days, i'm numb to my emotions. after my grandmother's second service, which was in california, my grandfather's health started to deteriorate, too. he hasn't been able to eat much, and like her, he's been fighting cancer, too. but when she was alive, they had each other. how does one keep fighting after a loss like that? cancer doesn't let up. if you let your guard down just for a moment, it sneaks right in and doesn't relent. unfortunately, that's what he is now facing. so when i'm hungry or tired or overworked? when i'm vulnerable to my emotions and lose that numbness i carry with me every day? that's when i stop caring about what i'm eating or where it's from or how it was cooked. that's when i just eat. that's when things feel good.

and that's the total opposite of everything i've ever written about in this blog.

so there's this elephant, and i'm just not sure what to do about it. the answer is obvious. i know how to shake it. but that produce drawer is still stinking up our fridge, and i'm still sitting here ignoring it. maybe now that i've called the elephant out i'll step into the ring and take the thing on. but if it's that easy, then why'd it take me so long? why didn't i kick the elephant's butt before this?

though really, when it comes down to it, i'm getting married next summer. whether i like it or not, that elephant will grow wings before my bride to be allows any ol' elephant to sleep in our room at night. and that's maybe the sign of courage i need. like my grandparents were for each other, i've met that someone who won't let me back down.

hello, again

this was our backyard for one night. deetjen's, big sur.

it's been a while. a long while. since i last wrote, i proposed to my girlfriend; bunked for a night under a redwood along a creek in a cabin on a big sur canyon; lost my grandmother to cancer; failed to add any new clients to the business; stephanie opened her restaurant; started reading the town that food saved—a remarkable story of agriculture and community set in a vermont town called hardwick; finished reading anthony bourdain's newish book; moved; my parents moved, too; and so did my brother mikey; got deathly ill off oysters in san francisco—in the middle of the night, when i was going to propose the next day; the hearty boys received a flawless review in the tribune—and are now packed nightly; my brother tommy graduated from the 8th grade; found what might very well be the venue for the wedding; went to a wedding in north carolina; and michigan; but failed to eat my first chick-fil-a; but not my first epic burger; and, oysters and sickness and all, somehow the girlfriend said yes.

and yesterday morning i found myself sitting next to a husband and wife farmer, discussing a future project that's very much raw and in the early stages of development—but just might have the right combination of timing, public and political interest, influence, and just a desperate, desperate need by a small minority (family farmers) that'll evolve into something really, really big. something i've been waiting and waiting to not only see, but have a hand in.

but it was sitting next to the farmers, hearing first hand what it's like to be small farmers in a country whose government is making money hand-over-fist with its interests in big food commodities, when i noticed the dirt and filth caked to the nails of the farmer sitting next to me, that i realized how far i'd come in my journey from little woodland hills, california.

this farmer wore the dirt on his hands as though he'd been born that way. that my small, unblemished, dainty little fingers separated my hands from his like his bald head was different from my flowing head of hair. like blue eyes are different from green. the farmer wore his filthy and weathered hands like he had no choice. something like genetics.

i was sitting next to, and having a responsible and mature conversation with, real life farmers. to me—i could've been sitting next to magic johnson or vin scully—big deal, man.

and when i woke up this morning, i couldn't stop thinking about finding a way to re-immerse myself yet again within the issues i'd been writing and researching about late last year. family farmers are struggling. corporate farms are thriving. and in all this time that i've started my business, thousands of people across the country have continued to write and work and better the state of our food systems. well, i'm looking forward to rejoining the cause.

that, and run a business. and plan a wedding.

leaving on a jet plane

alicia and i are flying to los angeles tonight to spend a couple days with my family, and then we're driving up the coast to spend some time in san francisco, carneros, and big sur. some great farm to table restaurants are in the plans and same too for some vineyard visits, but i think i'm most excited about driving along the coast and through the windy and rolling hills of wine country. this will be a first time there for both of us—and is there a better way to close it out than staying in a cabin on a creek near the ocean in a redwood forest in big sur?

in the meantime, i'm pretty excited about something that launched yesterday. the splash page to my website! jamco new media has got some legs - albeit it wobbly toddler ones.

hope everyone has a great weekend. and we'll see you in a couple weeks!

pesticides: what to avoid, and what's okay

eating organic wasn't something we ever really learned about, right? i mean, if you really think about it, the way americans shop at the market is pretty standard: follow the big yellow price signs in the produce department and pick what not only what looks most fresh, but costs the least, too. which, of course, organic is not.

but even for those who are buying organic, nobody is quite sure why it's better and if some foods are okay to buy if they're not organic. growing up in california, i knew strawberries year-round. big, plump, juicy ones - but it's funny, because it wasn't until last summer when we moved to chicago that i tasted my first real, true strawberry.

(at the market via sarahpoelstra's photostream)

thumb nail sized berries with chive-like stems that just radiated with that bright ruby color like in the picture above - but yeah, they definitely aren't cheap. but they also aren't covered and caked in pesticides like the giant strawberries i know so well from home - the same strawberries i see in grocery stores all over chicago - which leads me to my point... unless you make nice with the produce workers, the supermarkets aren't going to take the reigns and teach shoppers what's best to buy, and it for sure won't be the government, which means we're kind of at a loss, aren't we?

that's why i try and pounce on these things as soon as i can. starting june 2, cnn will be running a two-part report on pesticides in our food - and they've thrown together a list, as well as the short video above, as a precursor of what's good to buy non-organic, and what should be avoided.

the government states that consuming pesticides in small amounts is not harmful. how do you feel about that? you mind eating these foods, caked in the stuff even after washing? the government's pockets are lined with gold by big food, so of course low doses aren't harmful... i bet your doctor would tell you the same thing, wouldn't he or she?

(not sure what about this is anywhere near appetizing...

the obvious via through joanne's eye's photostream)

and the thing of it is, fruit is tested for pesticides after it's been washed by the farmers. so that old trick you thought was helping, running the sink and giving your food a quick rinse? not really helping...

the bottom line is this. the edible parts of foods with a skin or husk aren't exposed to the chemicals like a strawberry or an apple. so think about it: if you have to peel it, like a banana, then it's okay to save your money and by what's cost-effective for you. but those berries you love? even though organic berries are sometimes twice the cost of non-organic, you're only helping yourself and anyone else in your home in the long-run.

here's a list to follow. if nothing else, i hope it at least will give you second thoughts...

what to avoid

celery
peaches
strawberries
apples
domestic blueberries
nectarines
sweet bell peppers
spinach, kale and collard greens
cherries
potatoes
imported grapes

lettuce

and what's okay

onions
avocados
sweet corn
pineapples
mango
sweet peas
asparagus
kiwi fruit
cabbage
eggplant
cantaloupe
watermelon
grapefruit
sweet potatoes

sweet onions

happy eating.

the lunch line

(i eat nearly every meal at home now, like this fish stew, on its 

third day, made with potatoes, kale, carrots, leeks, and more)

i've been clawing and itching and dying to find just a half hour to sit down and write one of the dozen or so posts that've been stewing in my mind for the past couple of weeks, but somehow a half hour has become very difficult to find. funny thing.

but i couldn't help myself when i saw the chance to take the five minutes or so that it's gonna cost me to get this one up. this project hits close to home, and i hope to begin writing about the issues more and more in the coming days. we've heard the first lady is making it her mission to reform the school lunch program, but we all need to understand why it needs changing to begin with. we need to push past the surface and dig a bit deeper to learn what it is that we've been eating for so many years, and how truly harmful it's been for our health.

here's a starter, and a damn good little effort at that.

Lunch Line Trailer from uji films on Vimeo.

i gave twenty bucks. the way i see it, that's twenty bucks i'm not spending on take-out, restaurant, or some other over-priced and not-so-healthy food from somewhere else because instead, i'm gonna eat what's in my fridge!

my baby's name is jamco, new media

(the fun i have w/ my work... chef john caputo of

bin 36 cutting swordfish steaks before service)

to grab the bull by the horns, i've lost any momentum i had going with this blog with my writing silence over the past few months - and that's a major bummer to me.

i moved to chicago with no job and a recent master's degree specified to a field that - because i couldn't have plotted my career course better - doesn't exist in the job marketplace. it's not like there are tall buildings in new york full of firms eager and awaiting a creative writer to come and start crunching ledger sheets and quarterly earnings and mutual funds. writers crunch words, and as the internet grows, the written word holds less and less value.

so this blog, for all its worth, was my way to try and crack any kind of something that might lead to a job in chicago. and funny enough, it did.

writing that piece way back in july on stephanie izard's backyard party scored me a gig working her social media and website (a gig i'm still working). in turn, working for steph scored me a job waiting tables at hot chocolate, which is helmed by mindy segal who this year is nominated, for the fourth year in a row, for a james beard award for outstanding pastry chef in the country - and she's gonna win it this year. while i swore off waiting tables ever again after leaving boston, i made some good cash working this job and became friends with even better people, one of which set up an introduction to a woman i'd heard so much about, even before moving to chicago, and i badly wanted to meet. it was through this woman - i don't know why i'm keeping her anonymous, her name is ellen malloy - that i found work with the hearty boys doing the same type of work that i do for steph. that was november.

and i think it's pretty safe to say that november was the last month that i really kept this blog running at a pace that engaged the few readers i had.

(when the hearty boys' catering vans

were tagged, there was work for me!)

a couple weeks after i met ellen another friend of mine, who i also met at stephanie's dinner, referred me to bin 36 for social media work and again, i'm doing the same type of stuff for them that i do for steph. obviously, a pattern was developing. restaurants and chefs, so consumed with the thousand moving parts that compose restaurant operation, had no time to keep up with this new thing called social media, but like those who i'm working with, were smart enough to understand they needed to find some way to manage social media somehow in order to keep their business relevant. which, is too bad when you think of it, because shouldn't food speak for itself?

(and work with steph is never dull...)

the pattern was obvious. there was work to be had in this field, and there were few in chicago who could do it. and so, almost five months later, i'm finally putting the last pieces in place to move forward and enter this wide open field.

my company is called jamco, new media and when the logo is finished, it'll be a playfully spilled jar of jam that i hope will reflect my laid back and fun edge, while still instilling the confidence and appearance of someone who gets it. because if it doesn't, then obviously... i don't get it. and there's a good chance i just don't.

i'm working with lawyers for the first time in my life and saving up cash for the big checks i'll have to write to get this thing going. but it's fun - a lot of fun - and hopefully, i'll be back in my old cities, crossing familiar bridges, and pulling along old and new friends on this venture (that's right dante, i'm coming for you!)

so here i am, clearing the stale air from the past few months that covered the navel - and i hope taking the first step to resurrecting this little platform of mine to share these little stories about this stuff i love so much, this stuff called food.

know what seafood you should be eating, and what you shouldn't be

(the copper river in alaska, source of some of the finest

salmon in the world, via walt k's photostream.)

it's not often i find comments on the blog—and worse, not often i'm posting—but this morning i came across a comment that was left on the blog yesterday afternoon, and after spending the better part of the last thirty minutes responding, i realized i'd actually written my first post in weeks.

so, to break the silence, more on salmon, starting with the comment:

how does one know if the "wild salmon" served in a restaurant, really is viable wild salmon?

and, my attempt to answer...

first off, our consciousness needs to improve on all aspects of seafood, not just salmon. with that, the monterey bay aquarium has established a program that constantly studies and analyzes the status of catch around the world, and rates their finds in a guide that's available for anyone to use (broken down depending on where you live in the u.s.).

go here to get it. but seriously, go there. and don't just read it, but print this out and bring it with you. or better yet, do the environment one better and download the app on your phone!

(the seafood card i use here in chicago. where is yours?)

right now, wild alaskan salmon (and that's what the menu needs to read, be it king, sockeye, or coho) is the only salmon you should feel good about eating. even then, eat in moderation. the demand is far too great if we consistently eat this fish and will eventually deplete the supply if it remains the only sustainable salmon option.

the western u.s. wild salmon fishing is on the rise, and hopefully even california will enter the picture as a local option, which is what we need. currently, wild salmon from washington is recommended as an alternative to wild alaskan.

which leaves us with farmed and atlantic salmon - which, like i point out in the post, is farmed salmon from european countries on the atlantic seaboard like norway, scotland, ireland, and iceland.

that said, some european salmon farms are on the upswing in practices and soon enough we may see a shift.

(the seafood card i'll use when traveling to

california this summer... unless it changes.)

so when you're at a sushi bar and all the menu reads is "salmon." ask where it's from. most sushi bars will print "wild alaskan" or "king salmon" because it costs them far more to purchase, and hence will charge you more to eat it. whether you're at a chain restaurant like maggiano's or a steakhouse like ruth's chris or you're even at some swanky restaurant in a downtown hotel, even then, avoid the salmon—if you truly want to make a difference both for yourself, our fisheries, and the environment—unless it reads... "wild alaskan!" simple enough, right?

(and, finally, the seafood card i use when eating sushi!)

the other thing to do? try other fish! go to the link above and find out what other options there are for you. just because you don't recognize the name of this fish doesn't mean it's not worth eating. you'd be surprised how good these fish are, and might even like them better than the beloved salmon...